In what I can only describe as the scourge of our time, something truly unthinkable and utterly monstrous has been concocted by a nameless psychopath in Scotland. I thought that I had witnessed the very definition of poor decision-making a couple of days ago when Eric Stagno of Massachusetts stripped naked inside a local Planet Fitness. Stagno was clearly risking his dignity, honor and freedom — albeit senselessly — to demonstrate his personal and passionate belief in the franchise’s popular trademark slogan of being a “Judgement Free Zone.” I now realize, however, that his brainless moment of public nudity, lewdness and indecent exposure only pales in comparison to any human being who would intentionally combine mayonnaise and ice cream. In truth, this is nothing short of pure evil. And here at The Josh Givens Blog, we’re all about truth.
As you might’ve heard by now, a dessert creamery in the U.K. has decided to play God and mess with cosmic forces beyond their control. The ICE artisan ice cream brand based in Falkirk, Scotland is selling mayonnaise-flavored ice cream to its patrons for reasons that remain a mystery to anyone who possesses functioning taste buds, a brain and a soul. Even more mysterious is the fact that I had to use the word “ice” three times in the previous sentence in order for it to make grammatical sense.
Many people on Twitter — as well as people in my own family — argue that mayonnaise should have limited uses. For me, it has no use. It is a vile, wicked and disgusting substance that oozed forth from the crevices of the Earth when mankind sinned in the Garden of Eden thousands of years ago. God cursed our planet and mayonnaise came into existence. It’s right there in the original Hebrew language of the Old Testament. Trust me, my father is a pastor. If you can’t glean this interpretation on your own, I suggest you repent of your ignorance and then consult with your priest or minister. Before the Fall of Humanity, we lived in a glorious mayo-free utopia.There was no Miracle Whip. (Indeed there is nothing “miraculous” about mayonnaise.) There was no Hellman’s (and if there had been, it would have existed in Hell where it belonged.) There was not even a bottle of Kraft. Indeed, to this day though, there are entire groups of barbarians who lather it onto their sandwiches, hamburgers, and even their hotdogs. Obviously we must deport these savages as soon as possible. I suspect President Trump is already working with Congress to draft this legislation, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
Currently, there are hundreds of known flavors of ice cream in existence across the U.S. and around the world. Some people have guesstimated that there are over 1,000 flavors. I deduced this based on some quick research with Google and Wikipedia, the two most reliable sources on the Internet (according to Google and Wikipedia.) Of course there’s the basic essentials like vanilla, chocolate and strawberry, as well as specialty flavors such as chocolate chip cookie dough, cotton candy, and pistachio. For the most part, this list of is fairly normal and each one is considered acceptable to the human palate and socially acceptable at most restaurants and American homes — with the exception of avocado ice cream and bacon ice cream. Those latter two flavors have no place in this country and should be permanently banned. Anyone found selling, distributing or purchasing them should be criminally charged and punished to the fullest extent of the law.
Now, this is what you must understand: Millions of happy Americans have enjoyed these aforementioned traditional flavors for several decades. They have grown accustomed to them. They have grown to love and appreciate them. They do not want radical change and should not be forced to endure it. Most ice cream “flavors” are built off of the established vanilla/chocolate/strawberry model. This model has proven to be a massive success for decades. Why in God’s name anyone would suddenly introduce a mayonnaise-flavored ice cream into an already perfect system is beyond my comprehension. I suppose it simply wasn’t enough that we had over 1,000 flavors that already satisfied the vast majority of people on the planet. Someone has decided that we need 1,001. And they are here to ruin a perfectly good thing.
We must make a stand against this tyranny. It may be our only chance. If history has shown us one thing, it’s that America tends to follow European social and economic trends. This is one trend that we cannot afford to adopt or emulate.
The time to defend our nation is now. Make your voice heard by any means necessary. Contact your senator. Contact the White House. Contact your local grocery stores. Set fire to all the mayonnaise in your home. Do whatever it takes. We mayo-not have much time left. Don’t let your message get soft. Don’t let it melt. And with any luck, the creators of mayonnaise ice cream will get their just desserts.