The Christmas season is upon us. It’s an exciting time of the year. When we were kids, my siblings and I would stay up late on Christmas Eve night anticipating the gifts we would receive the following the morning. We were never raised to believe that Santa Claus was the one who delivered them — or that he flew around the world on a sleigh with magical reindeer that could be tracked by Google — but we did grow up understanding that he was based on a historical figure named Saint Nicholas. Our parents also never encouraged us to spoil this alleged secret for other children. And our parents never worried about movies, cartoons, or music that depicted or mentioned Santa. In fact, I probably had my photo taken with a shopping mall Santa at some point during my childhood.
We were shown how to embrace the simple joys and pleasures of gift-giving — a quality that, as an adult, I am grateful they instilled in me. More importantly, we were taught to appreciate the values of faith, family and togetherness during Christmastime. Gifts didn’t matter as long as we were all together.
But, as I sit here next to the warmth of my oscillating space heater, listening to Vince Guaraldi’s Charlie Brown soundtrack (a personal holiday favorite and an obvious requirement for anyone who calls himself a Christian), I’ve come to a rather unfortunate and disappointing realization: Santa is under attack.
Yes, it seems the traditional — and historical — Santa Claus has gone the way of the dinosaur. To begin with, he is no longer hip or cool. I can’t say that I’m surprised by this. It was bound to happen at some point.
Is he in need of a modern day overhaul; a diet, skinny jeans, and a few tattoos? You know, some sort of radically progressive, liberal feminist update; the kind of update that only the truly woke #MeToo era culture can understand and embrace? Well, some folks seem to think so. According to a new online survey by GraphicSprings, an astronomically whopping 27 percent of people think good ‘ole holly, jolly Saint Nick should be “rebranded” as female or gender neutral. (Please note that they surveyed like 400 people and then the top responses were voted on by over 4,000 people between the U.S. and the U.K. — not that the stupid and biased math really matters or anything.)
I think the Lefty Grinches have finally overdosed on the eggnog. This whole debate is so utterly absurd and ridiculous for a number of reasons, but I’ll just point out the most obvious:
Let’s begin first with the historical fact that the origins of the legend of Santa Claus are based largely on Saint Nicholas, who was actually a, well, biological man. Many historians note Saint Nicholas of Myra — the 4th Century Greek Christian bishop — who became famous in his region for his generosity in distributing gifts to the poor and impoverished, most notably when he presented dowries to three young girls so that they would not have to be enslaved to a life of prostitution. He was said to be quite religious from an early age, having devoted his entire life to Christianity, and is usually depicted in European paintings as a bearded bishop clothed in canonical robes. And, once again, he was a dude.
Second, if only a small minority of Americans — primarily those in the LGBT community — are in favor of a genderless Santa, then that means over 80 percent of Americans are not in favor of it. My personal guess is that most of this 80 percent is comprised of parents. They don’t want Mr. Claus transformed in order to suit a really dumb political agenda. They don’t want a centuries-old story and charming legend changed for the sake of political correctness. And they certainly don’t want to have to tell their innocent and completely naive children that Father Christmas had a special “snip-snip” operation and now he’s a black lesbian, non-binary, two-spirited, genderless, transsexual, vegan Islamic midget. That just won’t go over very well with little Johnny or Susie (not to mention Mrs. Claus, who conveniently seems to have been ignored in all of this.)
I really hate to break it to these radical Leftists, but Christmas, and Santa, are fine just the way they are. The man has a sweet ride and a killer beard. Leave him alone, lest you want a whole bunch of parents sending letters to their Democratic congressmen, quoting Buddy The Elf’s infamous accusation: “You sit on a throne of lies.”