In Order To Make America Great Again, We Must Ban All Christmas Movies Forever

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This time of the year typically revolves around holiday festivities, joyous family traditions, delicious food, and — of course — classic Christmas movies. The latter is a custom in which I think most American families typically engage during the holidays. For decades we have been under the [false] assumption that this was perfectly acceptable. However, the enlightened progressives are finally here to educate us on our utter stupidity and total ignorance. And I, for one, could not be more grateful. 

As you may or may not be aware, The Huffington Post recently made headlines when it sent out a tweet claiming that Director Larry Roemer’s 1964 classic “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” was “seriously problematic” because it features bullying, homophobia, parental verbal abuse, and sexism. You can find a screenshot of the tweet on my official Facebook Page. The publication highlighted one particular comment that read: 

“Yearly reminder that #Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a parable on racism & homophobia w/ Santa as a bigoted exploitive prick.” 

Another pull-quote comment reads: 

“Santa’s operation [in the film] is an HR nightmare and is in serious need of diversity and inclusion training.” 

My God. I think these people might finally be on to something for once in their lives. Everything is so clear now. After all, we’ve previously exposed the disgusting classism in “The Grinch” and the despicable, albeit thinly-veiled, racism in Charlie Brown. I see no reason why “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” should not indeed be banned from the airwaves for eternity and all who were involved in the making of the film either arrested and incarcerated or posthumously shamed and disgraced throughout Hollywood. 

But this does not go far enough. In order to truly make America great again, President Trump must issue an executive order permanently banning all Christmas and Christmas-related films from the United States of America. Only then will this problem be solved. Please understand that this will include everything from the more obvious “Frosty the Snowman” and “It’s A Wonderful Life” — which are clearly racist, classist, and anti-Christian (Clarence the so-called “angel” is not biblically accurate) — to lesser known classics like “Die Hard” and “Batman Returns,” both of which encourage extreme holiday violence, as if we don’t already see a spike in shoplifting, robberies, muggings, and things of that nature during this time of the year. 

Of course, there’s also the negative impact that these Christmas movies have on our kids, as films like “Home Alone” actively promote and endorse childhood rebellion, while others like “Jack Frost” are bound to give them traumatic nightmares of psychopathic talking snowmen that look and sound like Michael Keaton. I could go on and on, but I think I’ve made my point. 

Also, this sweeping executive order must naturally include an official governmental Cease And Desist Order for all retailers nationwide that sell merchandise related to any or all Christmas films. Anything from a Grinch sweater to a Rudolph coffee mug has the potential to offend — and possibly kill by way of shock or heart attack — the average and innocent American bystander. I personally know of one family who leisurely strolled into a gift shop at their local mall the other day, only to watch in horror as their elderly grandmother collapsed at the sight of a Snoopy stuffed animal because it was wearing a red Santa Claus hat. This is simply unacceptable in 2018, people. For God's sake, we aren't living in the Dark Ages. 

Until Congress recognizes this as a national crisis, more important than even Isis, America will be neither safe nor great. Our only hope is that our leaders come to this realization before it is too late.   

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