Last night as I was laying in bed watching my traditional episode of the “The Twilight Zone,” my iPhone screen lit up with a notification that the device was overdue for a “software update.” Of course, I did what 99% of other smartphone users do and quickly selected the “Remind Me Later” option. To be honest, I couldn’t care less about these trivial updates, especially when I’m trying to pay attention to Rod Serling’s opening monologue.
Later, I started to think about how our culture constantly tries to “update” things that were never designed to be updated in the first place. (This is just how my mind works.) It’s no secret that we’re constantly screwing around with things like marriage, human life, dating, sexuality, gender, coffee, Doritos and about a dozen other issues that have been established, irrefutable and timeless since the dawn of mankind (or “people-kind” if you’re Justin Trudeau.) We say that we have our reasons for trying to update and redefine these things. We want to avoid offending people. We want to be inclusive. We want to be tolerant. We want to be “relevant” and “contemporary” or whatever. But, in the end, we just wind up destroying ourselves and looking utterly ridiculous in the process.
This was once again proven true when a recent article in The Gay UK announced that some folks in the LGBT community are demanding that society start using the official full-length acronym “LGBTQQICAPF2K+” instead of the shortened version. Moreover, a handful of activists are also pushing for the addition of “K” to represent “kink.” Yes, that’s just what we need. Another letter. You know, because the damned thing isn’t long enough already.
In case you haven’t been properly educated on sexual identity definitions, allow me to enlighten you as to the meaning of these letters so that you won’t be in danger of becoming a transphobic-ultra-conservative-paranoid-overly-religious-rightwing-bigot like me:
L — lesbian
G — gay
B — bisexual
T — transgender
Q — queer
Q — questioning
I — intersex
C — curious
A — asexual
A — agender
A — ally
P — pansexual
P — polysexual
F — friends and family
2 — two-spirit
K — kink
You’ll note that, if we were doing the updated acronym properly, there would actually be three “A’s” and two “P’s,” making it even longer. I’m not going to waste time getting into the specifics of each of these. Honestly, I’d rather stick my head in a blender and press the puree button than dissect the actual lifestyle descriptions and sexual details of these so-called “identities.” If you’re really that curious, you can Google them on your own, but I don’t recommend it.
I do, however, think there’s something important worth mentioning in light of this most recent letter addition:
While everyone was busy celebrating the decision, they failed to realize that it was truly one of the most asinine and self-defeating things the LGBT community could have done. Even the article in The Gay UK says that the original acronym’s sole purpose is to “encompass any community that defines itself as anything but heterosexual or cisgender.” And yet, by adding the “kink” community, they are choosing to include people who are heterosexual and/or cisgender. In other words, they’ve totally contradicted the entire point and premise of their own ideological stance on gender sexuality.
It’s one thing to claim that you want “inclusivity,” but if you’re just going to keep tacking on letters in order to avoid offending certain demographics of people, what’s the freaking point anymore? Before too long, your acronym will be 20 miles long and your “community” will be the laughing stock of the nation because no one will even know who or what you are. We’ve practically already arrived at this point. No one takes an acronym like “LGBTQQICAPF2K+” seriously because it more closely resembles the password that your eight year old daughter created for her treehouse club than an initialism for sexual identities.
The whole thing has just become one colossal joke. Personally, I have no problem with this. To heck with it. Let them add as many letters as they want. It only further reveals the absurdity and meaninglessness of their beliefs about sexual identity and simultaneously destroys the entire essence of the acronym, along with everything they stand for politically and socially.
And that’s perfectly fine with me.